What About Your Friends?!

I'm not even gonna lie, I'm sooooo singing right now! "what about your friendsssss, will they stand and frown, will they let you down!!!" Hahahaha! Sorry, I'm  kinda in a goofy ass mood right now! Forgive me! 

My feelings are so all over the place yall it's unbelievable. In some ways I am feeling really good. I feel like I'm really starting to figure out what I want out of life and I'm trying to get together than plan to make those things happen. And I feel good about that. I'm confident that I can do what I need to do. But at the same time I'm kinda upset because in trying to take my life in a new directions, I had to let go of some of the people who have really been a part of my life for a while. I'm kinda sick about it. I think I've had to let go of a good 5 or 6 people in the last two weeks. I'm not gonna sit here and lie and pretend like it was such a hard thing to do cause it really wasn't. Once I've made up my mind about being done with you...I'm done. But the thing that I'm kinda upset about is the fact that a few of these people are people that I swore would be in my life forever. But when it came down to it, the plan I have for my life and the person that I want to become has no real use for those type of people. I honestly saw them as being more detriments than benefits and I just can't have that.

But on a brighter note, it really made me evaluate my friendships with EVERYONE. Who can I appreciate? Who do I feel appreciates me? Will this person be someone I can truly see being a part of my future? And with that being said, I think I'm good! I've always kept the amount of people I called "friends" very VERY small. Because not everybody is your friend, regardless of what they say. I think I've been blessed to have a select few who I really can call friends. People who I know will have my back and support me 100%. People that aren't at all gonna bullshit me and lie to me. There's a certain level of trust that I have with these people. Particularly 3. Everyone knows my team..it's 4 of us and without them I think my life would be in shambles on a regular basis. LOL. I've been going through a lot lately and so have they but recently we've come together in such a way that I never imagined. Our bond and our strength as a unit is unbelievable and I am so thankful to be a part of a group that I know I can trust whole heartedly.

But even as happy as I am with them, I'm soooo sad! (Told yall my emotions were all over the place!! LMAO!) Recently, I lost one of my best friends....not lost...cause he's not dead or anything lol, but our friendship ended. And that mess is killing me because it didn't have to. I've been really...depressed? Not depressed but sad about it. But I havent really said much...I've tried not to show it but I just think it's crazy. When at this time of my life and I'm trying to figure out who's really there and who shouldn't be, I lose my best friend? Over some bullshit? And I'm not gonna go into what happened but the situation could have been easily rectified has he just tried to talk to me. I feel like he gave up on our friendship before I did. When ego's and pride come in the way of friendship, it's like...well how genuine was it from the beginning? I believe in taking responsibility for your actions and when you can't humble yourself enough to do that, that's a problem. When you can have civil conversations with everyone else about it but you can't come to me without an attitude? That's a problem. Because I wasn't the one who was wrong so if anyone should have an attitude, it should be me. And I didn't, I was more hurt by something he did than angry. And apparently he thought if he tried to talk to me, I would get angry...but he never tried, so how would he know?? And that's what I mean by he gave up on the friendship because there was never a conversation of "Look, I was wrong...I'm sorry, how can we get passed this?" It was like "Well i did all I can do....whatever". That's a problem. And that's when I shut down. When I feel like you've given me that "well fuck u..." attitude, it's a wrap! So that's been really fuckin wit me but I'm trying to get over it and keep it pushing. 

I think that's the good thing about having the friends I have though. I don't have to tell them "I'm upset...I need you"....they know. And they've been awesome. They've been there when I wanted to talk, they've been there when I didn't wanna talk. That I can appreciate. That's what I think true friendship is about. Having that connection with a person that regardless or not they verbalize something, you can tell and you have a internal obligation to support them because you WANT to. I feel blessed to have that..