Alright, I know I'm trippin lately with these sporadic ass posts. I'm sorry guys! My life has been unbelievably chaotic. I'm beyond exhausted....hell I need a nap to get to exhausted.
So with that being said, it' hard to get on here cause I end up falling asleep as soon as I turn the computer on!
Anyway, recently I've really been evaluating the people I've surrounded myself with. I have some truly amazing people in my life and some that I SHOULD be without. You ever feel like someone can call YOU a friend but you'd never call them one? I find myself in that position too many times. I'm always there for people but when it comes time for them to be there for me, It's like "U got me?...oh u dont?....oh ok..." lol. It sucks but it's true. So I've taken some time to do me and be alone. Time well spent believe me..in that time I was able to really convey to some people how I felt about the status of our friendship and I think it has allowed us to kinda rectify the situation and work on things.
But more importantly, with all the evaluating I've done...the other night I did something I NEVER in my life dreamed I'd do. Said words I never thought would come out my mouth. The other night I told my ex that I felt like it was best that he and I made a permanent exit from each others lives. Things have gotten too complicated and confusing with us. It's very inconsistent and I just can't take it anymore. It's not healthy for me. Sometimes he's there..other times he's gone for months. I refuse to just deal with it. We've been doing this for 5-6 years and I just feel like it's time it comes to an end. It sucks because so many people were kinda rooting for us. Thinking and hoping that we'd get back together. And maybe that was the problem cause so did I. I still had that hope and everytime he'd come around my hopes would go up and he'd disappear again. We'd actually recently discussed getting back together shockingly enough. Had it planned out...talked about when the time would be best etc. But once again..the inconsistency just proved to be too much for me.
5 years of being together...trying to be friends...back to trying to be together again...to me saying get out my life? It brought me to this very common question....Can your ex ever REALLY be your friend?
And I mean JUST your friend.
I don't think so. Why? Cause the two of you will always have certain expectations from each other. You'll always require more from each other. I don't know. I've only been in 2 serious committed relationships. One of which is the one I just ended..the other is one in which the guy became my best friend. He's actually like a brother. HOWEVER, I stick by the theory that he'll never JUST be a friend. Not to me anyway. I can't speak for him because I don't think he'd ever tell me if he felt anything outside of a friendship. But I know as far as I'm concerned, I'm gonna always expect more from him. Expect him to treat me differently that other guys. I'll never be okay with him dating someone else, I'll never be okay with listening to him talk about other guys. I'll tolerate but it'll always bother me.
And on top of that, how do you break out of the familiarity of doing the things you used to do? I mean he's my best friend....so I never really think of us getting back together but it's hard being around him sometime because I might still wanna hold his hand or kinda lay on him or things like that because for so long that's what I was used to. We weren't together for an extensive period of time but even after we broke up that was still something we shared. It was more of a comfort thing. I became accustomed to that comfort, to receiving that affection from him and to not have it when I want it, upsets me. It shouldn't. But it does. Lol, it's funny cause I caught myself the other day. We went to the movies and I wasn't even really paying him any attention but I think his arm or something ended up being on top of mine and I almost went to grab his hand but I pictured him looking at me like "WTF?" and I was llike whoaaa!! NOPE!! LOL! (I have a extreme fear of rejection!)
It's just odd. I just feel like your ex's are your ex's for a reason. Trying to make it anything past that is destined for complication and confusion. So my friends might ask "why don't you talk to _____" and i'll be like "for what?" if he's moved on with his life and i've done the same WHAT DO WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT?
I have enough confusion in my life. lol.
I do think removing this other guy from my life is gonna be harder than I've ever imagined. It's one thing to say it...to actually voice it and mean it in my mind but to actually do it is a totally different story. What happens when he calls? When he emails? When he comes to visit this weekend....
What happens then? See....confusion!
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